I've mentioned on my website that it is not possible to remain completely, 100% unaffected while living with an emotionally immature, narcissistic person or a person with Borderline Personality Disorder.

So, why not?
 

I honestly have had many versions of answers to that question here... First, that their disorder is a consequence of childhood trauma and insecure attachment. That the more affected their nervous system became, the more severe their personality disorder became. Then that they are simply wired this way, have no reason to change, and do not see any fault in their behaviour. They don't self-reflect on their actions, words, or how they behave. They look to others to regulate their emotional state.

After reading books, listening to conferences and my very own experience of relentless "WHY was she like this to me", I think that... It's not important what THEIR reasons are, whether childhood trauma or "just wired this way". What is important is what their actions and behaviours did to YOU and your nervous system... and how it influences your decisions, behaviour, choices, environment, life...

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So, why not 100% immune to personality disordered people? Because you have a nervous system that warns you when there's an inconsistency, chaos, instability, danger... It picks up on anything that doesn't agree with your core and your values. So, in my opinion, we will always react and be affected to some degree, because our nervous system will pick up on those vibes.
 

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I mentioned their energy:

- the tension, unpredictability, criticism, anger, anxiety or calmness that our nervous system constantly picks up on.​

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We enter a room and might feel awkward in it. Might feel uncomfortable and cold. We often perceive people in the same way. We describe them often as “weird” as we cannot really describe them better. We try to avoid eye contact with them. We cross the road to avoid them. We try to stay in a public, fully-lit place, as close to other people as possible.

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Whether somoene has BPD or not, whether emotionally unstable or not, others' energies affect our energies. And the stronger their energy, and the weaker ours, the more we are influenced.​ Growing up with a BPD or emotionally immature parent often leaves us disconnected from our own needs, emotions, and boundaries, while making us highly sensitive to theirs.

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When you continue living with a borderline or emotionally toxic person, their energy will impact yours. It's the constant exposure to never ending complaining, nagging, anger, suspicion, yelling, and walking around "ticking bombs" etc.,  that gets to you.​​ Living 24/7, under the same roof, sharing the same living area, food, sofa, TV, etc…, with a borderline person, emotionally immature, unavailable, unstable and narcissistic person, will be like a Cold War. It deprives you of your energy. They will continuously demand from you to take care of their needs, solve their issues, and regulate their emotions… Anything that will give them a way to engage with you, and make you responsible for their emotions, their bad day, or the fact that the food is too salty. And it's your fault, because you sneezed in the other room and scared them, so they dropped a whole salt cellar into the food while they were cooking behind a wall.​​​​

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The situations don't seem to be extreme, right? But every day, every single issue, keeps repeating on and on and on… It's like a drop of water hitting a rock… At the end, even the rock gives in.​​

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So, if I think it's not possible to live under the same roof with such a person, and be unaffected, why to bother going to therapy?

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Therapy is not for others to change, but for you

- to learn to deal with difficult situations,

- to heal certain areas of your life, e.g., setting boundaries,

- to learn to make decisions that are good for you, like, "Do I want to be a part of this situation? Am I able to say no?",

- to develop the ability to "detach your wagon" from a "toxic train." 

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Detaching the wagon does not mean to go "no contact." It's recognising that you always have a choice about whether to participate or not in a toxic situation. To let the other person take the responsibility for their actions, without them putting it on us.  Detaching the wagon is not controlling the train. It's deciding whether your wagon stays attached to it.

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**How this may look in real life**

Imagine it's Christmas dinner at your parents' house. You, your partner, your children, and your parents are sitting around the table.

 

The atmosphere is already tense. Small comments are made. People become cautious. Everyone is trying to keep the peace. Then something minor happens. Someone forgets to switch off the TV. A child spills a drink. The wrong serving dish is used for the potatoes. One parent suddenly explodes. They start shouting, blaming people, insulting others, or throwing things off the table.

 

Most of us who grew up in such an environment automatically believe we have only two choices:

- Stay and try to calm them down.

- Stay and endure the situation.

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But there is a third option.

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You can decide that this is not an environment you and your family wish to be part of.

You do not have to argue with them.

You do not have to convince them they are wrong.

You do not have to diagnose them.

You do not have to punish them.

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You do not have to make any decisions for them.

You simply make a decision for yourself.

You are refusing to participate in behaviour that harms you and your family.

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You might calmly say: "This atmosphere is not okay for me and my family. We're going home now. If you'd like to meet another day under calmer circumstances, you're welcome to call us."

 

Then you leave.

 

The parent is free to remain angry.

They are free to blame you.

They are free to think you ruined Christmas.

Those are their choices.

Your choice is whether you remain sitting at that table.

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That is what I mean by "detaching the wagon." You are not stopping the train. You are not steering the train. You are not forcing the train to change direction.

 

You are simply choosing not to be pulled along by it anymore.