This question came up for me when I started the therapy. I thought that doing therapy would heal me all from everything that my parents installed in me. But after years of working with a therapist and myself I can honestly say that I don't believe we can be 100% unaffected when we are in the company of a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, narcissist or any other personality disorder.

 

We get affected but not hijacked. Why?

 

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Forget Their Reasons

I honestly have had many versions of answers to that question here... First, that their disorder is a consequence of childhood trauma and insecure attachment. That the more affected their nervous system became, the more severe their personality disorder became. Then that they are simply wired this way, have no reason to change, and do not see any fault in their behaviour. They don't self-reflect on their actions, words, or how they behave. They look to others to regulate their emotional state (Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson).

After reading books, listening to conferences and my very own experience of relentless "WHY was she like this to me", I think that... It's not important what THEIR reasons are, whether childhood trauma or "just wired this way". What is important is what their actions and behaviours did to YOU and your nervous system... and how it influences your decisions, behaviour, choices, environment, life...

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Your nervous system

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So, why not 100% immune to personality disordered people? Because that nervous system of yours warns you when there's an inconsistency, chaos, instability, danger... It might be whacked a bit after the exciting childhood with a BPD but it still picks up on anything that doesn't agree with your core, your values and your boundaries - just in a tiny bit more intense and overwhelming way. So, in my opinion, we will always react and be affected to some degree, because our nervous system will pick up on those vibes.
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The tension, unpredictability, criticism, anger, anxiety or sudden calmness and cheerfulness - our nervous system constantly picks up on those sudden changes and reports them back to us through our emotions and feelings.​​​​

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The drop that wears down the rock

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Every friend I had, every stranger that met my mum for the first time for just a couple of hours said to me that she was amazing, interesting, funny and charming. They looked forward to meeting her again. I was stumped thinking to myself, "What the fuck are you talking about? Are you blind?"

 

Many people with Borderline Personality Disorder are narcissists as well and that was the case with my mum. Narcissists are lovable when you meet them for the first time. They seem charismatic, direct, confident - lovable. But once you get close to them - 💣💥! Especially the care-givers (like us - raised by borderline) and narcissists create a very toxic and painful relationships (interview with Dr Keith Campbell, "Understanding narcissism" on Conscious Life - Attachment, Trauma and Toxic Relationships Super Conference )​

 

Living 24/7, under the same roof, sharing the same living area, food, sofa, TV, etc…, with a borderline person, emotionally immature, unavailable, unstable and narcissistic person, will be like a Cold War. It deprives you of your energy. They will continuously demand from you to take care of their needs, solve their issues, and regulate their emotions… Anything that will give them a way to engage with you, and make you responsible for their emotions, their bad day, or the fact that the food is too salty. And it's your fault, because you sneezed in the other room and scared them, so they dropped a whole salt cellar into the food while they were cooking behind a wall.​​​​

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The situations don't seem to be extreme, right? But every day, every single issue, keeps repeating on and on and on… It's like a drop of water hitting a rock… At the end, even the rock gives in.​​

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Growing up with a BPD or emotionally immature parent often leaves us disconnected from our own needs, emotions, and boundaries, while making us highly sensitive to theirs. And their whole attachment is based on reactivity - to provoke reactivity: anger, sadness, guilt, over-explaining. When you continue being in contact with a borderline, narcissistic or emotionally toxic person their pulling will impact you. It's the constant exposure to never ending complaining, nagging, anger, suspicion, yelling, and walking around "ticking bombs". That gets to you.​​ That gets to people who grew up with parents without any disorders. To people who have safe attachment.

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How this may look in real life - The Third Option

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Imagine it's Christmas dinner at your parents' house. You, your partner, your children, and your parents are sitting around the table. The atmosphere is already tense. Small comments are made. People become cautious. Everyone is trying to keep the peace. Then something minor happens. Someone forgets to switch off the TV. A child spills a drink. The wrong serving dish is used for the potatoes. One parent suddenly explodes. They start shouting, blaming people, insulting others, or throwing things off the table.

 

Most of us who grew up in such an environment automatically believe we have only two choices:

- Stay and try to calm them down.

- Stay and endure the situation.

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But there is a third option.

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You can decide that this is not an environment you and your family wish to be part of.  You do not have to argue with them. You do not have to convince them they are wrong. You do not have to diagnose them. You do not have to punish them.​ You do not have to make any decisions for them. You simply make a decision for yourself. You are refusing to participate in behaviour that harms you and your family.

You set a boundary.​

You notice your trigger, your emotions, your bodily reactions and you might calmly say: "This atmosphere is not okay for me and my family. We're going home now. If you'd like to meet another day under calmer circumstances, you're welcome to call us." Then you leave. The parent is free to remain angry. They are free to blame you. They are free to think you ruined Christmas. Those are their choices. Your choice is whether you remain sitting at that table.

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That is what I mean by "detaching the wagon." You are not stopping the train. You are not steering the train. You are not forcing the train to change direction. You are simply choosing not to be pulled along by it anymore.

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Why bother with therapy?

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So, if I think it's not possible to live under the same roof with such a person, and be unaffected, why to bother going to therapy?

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Therapy is not for others to change, but for you

- to learn to deal with difficult situations,

- to heal certain areas of your life, e.g., setting boundaries,

- to learn to make decisions that are good for you, like, "Do I want to be a part of this situation? Am I able to say no?",

- to develop the ability to "detach your wagon" from a "toxic train." 

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Detaching the wagon means recognising that you always have a choice about whether to participate or not in a toxic situation. To let the other person take the responsibility for their actions without them putting it on us.  Detaching the wagon is not controlling the train. It's deciding whether your wagon stays attached to that train.