Why Joy in the banner?
I got Joy when I was 30. I was already one year into yet another toxic relationship. I honestly think that person was a psychopath 🤣. The way that guy could lie without blinking an eye was magical! 🤣
Anyway, after my first dog, Poli, I dreamed of having a dog again. I fell in love with collies.
Joy was the only non-toxic love I had in my life during 12 years of her life.
I would change my partners every second year, but I would never change Joy for anyone or anything else. Holidays in Thailand? They were merely a fake copy of her shadow. I preferred to have her love 365 days a year, 24/7, then a month in Thailand, or any other place. No animal love can be replaced by sunny beaches and cold drinks.
Joy was my family. Joy was my best friend. Joy's love was honest and pure. Warm, and soft, and fuzzy. And full of rays of joy 😉.
She was with me through all the break-ups, when my heart would be in pieces and burned out. She'd literally lick my tears away from my cheeks, eyes, mouth... and snots from my nose 🤣. It was very ecological 🌳 and recyclable ♻ 🤣.
She was survived my depressions, both of them. We were living in the same flat, be not together. Rather, next to each other. I made sure she had her basic needs met, but not much otherwise. (I wonder if that's how my mum was experiencing her motherhood with me? Next to me, but not with me. On autopilot. Disconnected from the reality. Disconnected from me. I felt nothing. She felt everything with triple the strength.) I barely slept. If I had 3h of sleep, it was a hallelujah. If Joy woke me up during those 3 hours... I'd yell at her... I was so deprived of sleep and rest...
One of the reason I pulled myself out of the first depression, was the willingness to feel my love towards her, and hers towards me. I wanted to feel again (if you've been depressed, you know what I mean with those words). And when I did, she was right there, giving her love back, as if I never had any depression.
Once I started using EFT, I tapped on my guilt of not being present emotionally during those years of depression. Of yelling at her, and being a horrible, fucking bitch when she'd wake me up... 😢😔. I asked her to forgive me for my irritation, tiredness, being distant emotionally. It didn't take many tapping sessions, for Joy to approach me and put her head on my laps... I knew she forgave me ❤️.
It's amazing how animals see us and feel us...
I loved taking care of her, playing with her. I signed up for lots of dog courses in psychology, training, massage, to make her life better. When I got her, she was scared of flying bags, and very cautious of other dogs. Anything that looked suspicious, and rattled in the wind – she'd be on her way home.
I made my goal, to make her more courages, brave, curious and relaxed. Who would like their dogs to be stressed for 12 years of their lives? Not me.
The change was coming slowly. Like a therapy 😉. She grew up to a balanced, curious, smart, calm, knowing her worth, not caring about other ("psycho") dogs or people, beautiful collie girl.
Joy did something, I never expected to happen.
She taught me to see my emotions.
Whenever, I'd get pissed off because of outside factors, and I'd transfer that emotion onto my relation with her, she'd leave. She simply would leave me and walk away. Leaving me with my emotion on my own. She'd refuse to come to me, when I was unbalanced. I had to see my behaviour, see my anger or frustration, understand that it was not Joy's fault, and she had no reason to accept this bullshit from me.
At some point, I'd change, and instead of transferring the anger or frustration onto her, I'd talk to her about it. I'd tell her what pissed me off, and she'd... listen 🤣. At least, she didn't walk away or didn't refuse to come to me.
So many dog owners make their dogs to do things they don't want to do. So many dog owners just push their will onto their dogs, without trying to see what their dogs are trying to show them, tell them. And they have so much to tell us...
I showed Joy respect, gave her freedom to show me what she didn't enjoy, and she did the same with me. My Joy never growled at me, showed her teeth, bit me, was scared of me, fucked off on a walk somewhere. Quite the opposite. She'd look for any contact with me, checked if I was following her, always had an eye on me.
I took that lesson with me, to my relations with people. Well, you can imagine my disappointment 🤣.
So, why do I have Joy in my banner?
Because, she's love, she's empathy, she's compassion, she's support.
She was everything to me, to a child to a borderline mum and "as long as my peace of mind is undisturbed" dad never received, but has always needed, wished for, looked for...
Joy passed away on 10.10.2024 🌸. She was 12.5 years old.
She got a stroke and within 15 min she couldn't walk nor stand. When I saw that she had rapid eye movement, I realised it was neurological. I said to her, "I've got you. I'll take care of you. I'm here..." I shut down my heart and allowed my head and guts to tell me what to do.
During the 15-min trip to the vet, she was in my arms. Calm and relaxed. I kissed her head, touched her head with my cheek and send all my love to her.
When I heard that there was nothing to do about her condition, I felt the pain taking over my body and heart. Tears started falling, and Joy felt it and understood. She started breathing heavily.... I knew I had to get a grip of my emotions, so that she wouldn't be scared, wouldn't feel my pain... I managed to control myself, tried to trick her and tell a joke to make myself... smile... It worked. I saw past my own pain, and overrode my sadness... She relaxed.
She got two injections. I was with her all the time. I whispered in her ear how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, and that she was the best collie girl in the whole world.
When she got the second injection, I saw instantly when she stopped... being... Her eyes... They lost that something. I stopped feeling her. I didn't have any connection with her anymore... She just stopped... Her love, warmth and energy was gone, so suddenly... Whatever my Joy was, whatever loved me and I loved, was gone... She was gone...
I realised that her body was just a package for her love and energy. For her essence. I took her home and spend another two hours with her lying in her bed. I couldn't cry... I tried to talk to her, but she was gone... Her body was nothing without that love and energy that filled it for over 12 years... Although I touched it, put my face into her fur, I didn't feel anything...
Joy is buried under a tree in the garden.
It's been only a month since she's been gone, and I'm writing this... I have her collar hanging on the back mirror in our car. Her car cage still in the car. Her leash and treat bag in the cage. Sometimes, when I drive away somewhere, I stop, open the boot, sit down next to her cage and I cry...
taken 4 days before her passing away
taken 4 days before her passing away
One of the toys she played with the past week. It had her smell... I walked with that toy in my pocket, and I slept with it.
taken 4 days before her passing away