Vicious Circle
We, adult children of borderline and emotionally unstable parents, consider staying in touch or going no contact with the borderline or emotionally toxic parent altogether.
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Staying in touch/limited contact - That was my sister's and my first choice. We created geographical distance between ourselves and our borderline mum. 1300 km, but her behaviour still put us off balance. One phone call with her and within just 5 minutes, we were nervous wrecks. My sister struggled extremely. She felt as if there was this invisible force holding her connected with our mum. We were like Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, connected with the dark force.​
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No Contact - I chose to take it to the next level and I cut off contact with my mum. Despite that, the results of that childhood showed in my adult life in the kind of partners I was picking, my isolation, self-sufficiency, feeling of not belonging, financial instability, low self-esteem, and a feeling that I was not worthy of being successful or loved.
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Whatever the path, it seemed as I kept being entangled in my borderline parent's sick reality, and I was reconstructing it in my adult life. I replaced my mum with people similar to her, who would create situations as frustrating and painful as the ones she had.
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This was the vicious circle my mum would pull me into:​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
Why would I fall for it each time???​
Hope – Our Blind Spot
We hope, one day, to have a loving child-parent relationship with our narcissistic or BPD mum or dad. ​
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We hope, one day, they will have a change of heart and realise what kind of emotional and/or physical hurt they have caused us. ​
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We hope they will see how wonderful we are, worthy of their love and appreciation.
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This hope keeps us from seeing the painful reality, that our parent will not, and does not want to, change. They don't have our best interest at heart. “Mum knows best” doesn't take place here.​
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This hope, drives us insane with the constant “Why?” in our heads, trying to understand their behaviour.
This hope makes us blind to the fact that:
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no matter what we do, say, how we please them, we cannot change them,
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they need us to regulate their emotional state, just like children need their parents; that is why we feel as if we were their parents.
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We hope, and our hope is the fuel for the vicious circle that makes us suffer. It's our perpetuum mobile. We allow ourselves to be drawn into that vicious circle that leaves us emotionally empty. We feel powerless and hopeless. Frustration becomes our second name, and tears stop falling at some point.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
Borderline Personality Disorder parents or emotionally toxic parents don't see a need for change because they do not self-reflect on their own behaviour and don't see a fault in their approach towards others. Their need to fulfil their own needs overrides the sanity of their choices and behaviours towards their children. What does this mean for you? It means that if you live in four walls with a parent, or a person alike them, they will affect you no matter what.
Therapy can help adult children like you and me become more resilient, but not 100%. They will still impact you, and no amount of pot 🪴 or EFT will save you from it. Why? Your energies influence each other (read more here). So, as long as you share a living area with them, like a house or a flat, you will be influenced.
What can we do?
Neither you nor I can change your borderline and narcissistic parent, but I can be your support in your journey to:
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become free of your parent's toxic influence on you, your decisions, emotions, family, and life,
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be in the same room with them and feel calm, e.g. during family celebrations,
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become happy, accepting of yourself and have more energy to do what you love,
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​stop reacting to their sarcasm, painful comments and criticism, and also to anyone's who behaves like them, in all the situations that remind you of them.
Would you like help with...?
​​Here are some areas of your life that you know you need support with, and some that you might not even be aware of:
Learning how to say "no" without feeling guilty, and going back apologising for saying it
Being in the same room as your emotionally unstable parent, or anyone reminding you of them, but feeling calm and collected, instead of frustrated and ready to explode whenever
Allowing the negative and distressful memories:
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from your childhood, like physical abuse or emotional manipulation and pain caused by your dad or mum,
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of rape, sexual harassment, bullying,
to become insignificant and fade away
Being present: hearing and listening during an argument or a sensitive situation, instead of having a “Windows freeze”: not being able to say a word, just nodding and leaving the situation wondering “What just happened?”
Feeling of deserving, e.g. of that job, that loving and caring partner, financial stability
Stop dating toxic people and start believing that
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you are worthy of being loved for who you are, just because you are,
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with no need of pleasing others until the utter emotional burnout
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finding love and respect for yourself again
Stopping pleasing people and doing whatever would make them happy.
Instead, growing trust and belief that it's possible to have and build happy relationships that are based on mutual respect and satisfaction
Learning how to calm yourself down in unnerving situations. Your parent was not able to teach you that, as they were an emotional chaos themselves.
Building up self-confidence in standing up for yourself, speaking your mind and knowing that leaving an argument with certain people is not a defeat but a way of caring for yourself
Accepting and believing that your needs and rights to:​
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needing a time off,
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saying “no”,
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being served that breakfast in bed
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being taking care of when you're sick
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being spoiled with hugs and kisses and back rubs,
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to receive and not only give,
are important, you have the right to have them, attend them, and ask from others to fulfil them
Reducing emotional load and physical symptoms of the negative experiences from your childhood or adult life, that may manifest themselves as, amongst others: insomnia, bloating, digesting issues (over- or underweight)
So that you can feel tangible changes, like:
Benefits
- calm mind and body,
- sleeping better,
- capacity to listen to others,
- acknowledging your own emotions (“What I feel is true!”),
- have more energy.
Benefits
- happiness,
- loving and accepting yourself,
- calmness,
- reflecting positive energy and emotions on family and environment,
- feeling more peace, politeness, and love towards others,
- spreading rays of joy (smiling more).
Breakthrough Feeling
- “There's nothing wrong with me”,
- “What happened to me doesn't define me”,
- “I don't have to blame myself anymore.”
- "I am not responsible for others' emotional state!"
Long Term Benefits
- confidence in saying “No”,
- neutral to emotionally frustrated and immature people,
- able to regulate own emotions in stressful situations,
- notice your body's reactions and feel your emotions.
I wish for you to find love for yourself,
inside yourself,
so that you love your life again.
Would you like to read more examples on how EFT can help you? Click the button below to see what I struggled with and how I have changed.