When tapped on, “Living with my Borderline parent — part 3. My dog – my love. My dramatic ways out of conflicts.” I did two tapping sessions. The second session brought up a new thing. Namely, my dramatic 🤯 ways of when in conflict.
So you see, when I finally would allow the anger to surface as I would not be able to contain it any more, I’d already be in so much pain and heart-broken, that’s I’d just explode. Despite the yelling, to the point of losing my voice, I’d dramatically finish everything. Shakespeare could be inspired by me. I’d namely:
announce to each and everyone that it was over and done between us ☝️📢
without announcing it yet, I’d start making plans 📝 for :
moving out (me or the other person)
finding a new place (me or the other person)
how to solve billing issues (if we shared any)
how to solve transport issues to and from work (if there were any)
changing jobs (if it was needed)
now I’m on my own, I need to take care of myself
I don’t want to have anything to do with you, don’t talk to me again.
Generally, how to survive the situation and take care of myself, how to get out of it with the least possible damage for myself. How to be prepared for the worse… Most of that planning would be with drastic consequences for me, anyway 🤷♀️.
Living with my mum, who would explode 💣 in the least expected moment, with the most unimaginable consequences and punishments for me, for the least logic and realistic reasons, taught me to make plans of my survival within seconds.
I was like a fucking Navy SEALs, ready for action 24/7. I just looked like a stick – skinny, small… A child really… Navy SEAL child… My mum would make those guys cry and beg for mercy. She would crash their psyche and sent them home mentally broken.
I was like Violet Sorengail from the “Forth Wing” by Rebecca Yarros – ready to grab her little backpack with the kit essential for survival and leave the premises on her dragon 🐉.
I was a fucking ninja 🥷 of survival, planning, predicting, assessing. All with cold blood. There was no time for tears or emotions. Number 1 priority was to survive the explosion. Once the mission was completed, and I was in safety, then I could cry. But most of the time, enough time would pass by for the negative motions to be completely suppressed. I could only check if I was in safety, if any danger was imminent, and… regenerate. Those explosions, assessing, always being alert and for look out for any bombs dropping (emotional explosions of hers) were exhausting, emotionally, mentally, physically.
There was no one to help me. Not my dad. Not my sister. Not the closest family. I was all on my own.
My mum would push my boundaries to the breaking limit, and once she succeeded, she’d leave me. She’d push me over the edge. I learned, that when facing a conflict, aggression, anger, I’d be pushed over the edge. I would collapse, emotionally or mentally. I was a child, fragile, sensitive, not understanding why my mum would do those things to me… I loved her just because she was my mum. Not because I had to. She had my love for free.
To save myself, I’d quickly check my options, plan and try to make my jump, on my terms, not hers. Because when I decided to do it, it didn’t hurt as much as when someone who was supposed to love you did it. I depended on her, so I couldn’t run away, but I could choose when to jump.
Here’s the healing part: I don’t live with my parents anymore. I am not the same person. I am not a child. I am not powerless… I have done so much tapping and healing that it got much easier to deal with triggers. So how do I want to be now, when facing a conflict and anger?
First, I check if the anger has anything to do with my trauma. “If it’s hysterical it’s historical” someone said, so I check if I’m hysterical or if I’m just pissed off, and I use EFT for that. I tap and see what comes out.
The anger is there for a reason. It tells me that someone crossed my boundaries. If my anger tells me that, it means that the best way in that situation is to communicate* to the other person that they made me angry, they crossed certain limits and they should back off. Anger is there to show ME where my limits are. I don’t have to take drastic measure, and jump off the emotional cliff, plan for the end of the world, to save myself. I don’t have to move out tomorrow, change the jobs, break up, evacuate, start shopping only for myself, do the laundry with only my underwear, cook dinner just for me, etc. I don’t have to cross someone out and delete them from my life.
If the person is smart, they will consider my statement and accept it. The conflict will be solved without victims. If they keep pushing – they are no friend or partner to keep. Then it’s an abuse.
The difficult part for me was that my mum pushed my boundaries all the time, and it was not possible for me to communicate with her, she didn’t want to listen. And I simply gave up… I was disappointed and resigned… And, the worst of all, I learned that pattern, I was taught that pattern, and I took it with me to my grown up life.
So, I tapped and visualised myself in those conflicts:
Allowing myself to feel angry,
Telling the other person about my emotions, what their actions or words did to me,
Accepting the apology only when I am ready to do it,
Allowing myself the time to deal with that emotion, take a walk if I want to, and communicating that to the other person, yelling if I feel I need to,
Tap on it to find out what the trigger is and deal with that trigger,
Getting back to the person to discuss what happened.
“Your words hurt me. I am angry.” (Blah blah blah – explaining what I feel and how it affected me.) “I need time to process it.” If my partner or friend cares about me, they will give me time to deal with this emotion. They will talk with me about it, learn something about me and, hopefully, this will bring us closer together. — That’s how I want to react when I feel anger, and I am in a conflict.
Anger is an emotion, it’s an energy. That energy needs to be let out, especially, when it has been suppressed already in the childhood stage. If I need to yell, I’ll yell. If the person cares about me, they will understand it, allow it and discuss it with me later on.
Again, “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical” - when doing EFT, I’ve learned to name my emotions. You don’t get rid of your emotions. Emotions have a function. We need them. Today’s society pressure you to eliminate negative emotions like anger. You are not allowed to feel them or talk about them. If you happen to get angry, there are comments like “Oohhh hoho, are you OK? Don’t be so sensitive.” Those comments take away from you the right to feel (anger) – a human emotion.
With EFT, I learned how to recognise my trigger. I saw I got emotional. It hurt me to the bone. I tapped on it and saw what came out. A core reason for the trigger. With my childhood trauma, I think I have 5 red buttons installed for each trigger 🤣.
After the tapping I was doing on the dog situation, I felt such a relief. I CAN BE ANGRY! AND I CAN SHOW IT! And it doesn’t have to be dramatic… It’s OK to be angry and show it. I don’t need to jump off the cliff. People do say stupid things sometimes, without thinking, hurting others. If I don’t tell them that, who will? If I don’t stop it, they won’t know where my boundaries go, and they will learn that it is OK to talk or behave in a certain way towards me. And they don’t do it purposely. It’s like drinking coffee: you don’t drink coffee, but you do it each time your partner makes one for you. And you’re stuck with that coffee for another 60 years… ☕️.
P.s.
During my EFT and NLP session, the visualisation where I decided how I want to be and behave consisted of two parts:
One: how I want to behave with people who I am not emotionally involved with
Two: my future partner.
Except working with the intensities, memories, triggers, you name it, it is important to work with “what do I want instead?” We may neutralise the intensity, but we need an alternative. It’s like in dog training 🤣. If you don’t want your dog to have a destructive/unwanted behaviour, you have to show them a desired behaviour. So that their brain learns that there are other, positive ways and it has a choice. It is the same with us.
* If it’s possible to communicate with that person. There are a lot of people that you cannot communicate with… – they are like politicians, you ask them a straight question, and they never answer it. Seems like those people are on some kind of lover level of existing, or maybe simply stuck in their trauma and unhappiness? Or “I’m a victim and this allows me to take out my hurt, anger, frustration, aggression on everyone around” situation.
Do you know anyone who is struggling with similar issues, grew up in a home with a borderline parent and needs support? Maybe you are looking for it? Please, don't hesitate to tell them I am here.
If you relate to my stories somehow:
– the borderline parent - growing up in an environment of sudden outburst of anger, frustration, emotional instability, love you -- hate you emotions,
– feeling of lack of love in your childhood or adult life,
-- feeling of not belonging, emotional burn out (especially in romantic relationships),
– sexual assault, bulling, discrimination…
– helplessness, powerlessness towards people and situations,
– disappointment and mistrust towards people, love, doubt you’ll ever find love,
(see My areas of expertise).
and you would like to:
– work with a therapist who has healed and has been healing her own trauma,
-- who has compassion and capacity to listen (The kind of therapist I am to be)
in order to
– have a better live,
-- reduce and maybe even neutralise impact of your negative experience from your childhood on your present and future life,
– learn to deal with the triggers on your own (who wants to go to a life-long therapy?),
– be happier, lighter and…
– accept yourself as you are,
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