My very first self-tapping sing EFT was on the most intense memory. Death of my first dog, Poli. She died when I was in university. Probably first year, as I remember I was sitting on a lecture for macroeconomy, and that was the first and/or second year. You can read about how Poli died and how my parents behaved in post Living with a Borderline parent — part 3. My dog – my love. My dramatic ways out of conflicts.
I was doing my self-tapping sessions mostly in the evening, after a walk with Joy. Some of them, when I walked with her, in motion. I’d normally take a walk in the forest or by the sea. I remember one tapping session, I was sitting on a wooden, small dock that was by someone’s house. I don’t know other countries, but in Sweden a shore is a common place, a public place. You don’t own a shore, and everyone has access to it. You might have a house by a shore, by a beach, but you don’t own the beach, and people can come and use it. Anyhow, I was sitting on that dock, with my legs hanging down. Joy lying behind me. And I tapped… something about my parents. My first self-sessions were not very long. Maybe 15-30 min + taking notes if I could. In my mobile if I was out with Joy, or on a paper at home.
I've just realised, I tapped on my childhood trauma sitting in front of other peoples' houses, on their docks 🤣.
Now, I just record myself and it normally takes 1 hour. I get pretty deep into things during that one hour and can clear a lot. But the beginnings were as they were: not very long, needed to tap many times, many days, on one issue. Now, two years later, middle of 2024, I have had one case that has been taking me over 3–4 weeks to tap. That was a case of a rape that happened 14 years ago. I could say I was holding a grudge against that person for quite a while, huh 😉. Or did I hold it against myself? 🤔
This is how my tapping template looked.
1st self-tapping:
USD = 11, Where I felt the sensation: my heart
Side of hand: Even though I lost my beloved dog, I fully and completely love and accept myself. Even though my dad betrayed me and Poli, I fully and completely love and accept myself. Even though they let her die in pain while eating those fucking fries, I fully and completely love and accept myself.
Eyebrow: Lost my beloved dog.
Side of the eye: Lost the only love I felt in that house.
Under the eye: He betrayed me and Poli
Under the nose: She was happy of my loss
Chin: My loss
Collar bones: My love
The liver point/Under the breasts: My everything
Under the arms: My happiness
Top of the head: Their ignorance
EB: Their “I don’t care”, pretending nothing happened
SE: UE: Them not taking responsibility for it
UN: Lost my best friend
Ch: Lost the one true, unconditional love
CB: Lost the reason to feel
UB: They killed her
UA: They did nothing to ease her pain
ToH: They did nothing to help herThe SUDS went down from 11 to 8.
I cried when I said the positive things about Poli and I felt anger and hatred towards my parents.
I continued until I felt calmer, and the hatred got lower. Until I stopped feeling guilty for not being able to help Poli in that situation, not being home, being in school. Joy stopped frantically licking my face when I cried… ❤️. I got very emotional on the “my love, my best friend, my reason to feel, my everything”, more than I expected… And the feeling of hatred was a new one to me… I felt almost sick 🤮 when feeling it.
2nd self-tapping
SoH: Even though they killed her, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though they did nothing to ease her pain, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though she enjoyed my loss, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
EB: Poli was the only thing
SE: that kept me coming back home
UE: she took away my everything
UN: Poli was the only thing
Ch: that loved me there
CB: Poli was the only thing
UB: that showed me love
UA: I loved her
ToH: I loved her
EB: they killed her
SE: did nothing to ease her pain
UE: did nothing to help her
UN: they were scared of me
Ch: they were scared of my reaction
CB: of what they did
UB: to me and her
UA: of the consequences
ToH: they knew what they did
.
. just tapping in silence
.
EB: Poli did what she had to do
SE: to let me go
UE: so I could move out
UN: to separate myself from them
Ch: otherwise, I would not move
CB: I’d stay
UB: because I had her
UA: because she was my dog
ToH: I’d have never applied
EB: to xxx
SE: as long as she lived
UE: and was with me
UN: I’d stay for her
Ch: I’d always choose her
.
. just tapping in silence
.
EB: you are everywhere
SE: in me
UE: in Joy
UN: in my heart
Ch: you’re a part of me
CB: you’re a part of Joy
UB: I love you
UA: and I miss you
ToH: I wish we had more time together…The SUD changed from 8 to 6/8.
That time I was more focus on my parents' part. That they didn't do anything to help her, to ease her pain… That they were ignorants, and they lied to me about the whole situation… (Living with a Borderline parent — part 3. My dog – my love. My dramatic ways out of conflicts). At some point, I thought they got scared. They knew what they did, and they might have been scared of me and my reaction, the consequences. Maybe that's why they didn't do anything and lied? The feeling of my mum enjoying my loss was high on the SUD scale.
I only got tears in my eyes when I thought about Poli's love and that she was smarter than all of us. I even felt happy when I thought about her being my best friend and my only love there, the only reason to come back home. She chose to leave than and there, so I would move out from home and leave them… I don't agree with her way of doing this 🤣 but she knew I would never leave as long as she lived, and she was only 3 when that happened. I feel lighter and didn’t think anymore that I could have and should have done more for her that day.
After that session I felt more happiness and love thinking about Poli, no guilt and pain.
I had the following thoughts:
“Thinking about my parents, I still feel a mix of anger with “WTF? “, “you should have known better”, and “I don't have more strength to be smarter all the time.” But… They're just humans, right? Cuckoo but still… They didn't know any better… But I had to… I had to know better and be a fucking adult again, and deal with Poli's death, autopsy, the neighbour… None of that was anything they took part in…”
3rd self-tapping
SoH: Even though they were two adults with two kids, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though they didn’t help her, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though they were two adults with two kids, and they didn’t help her, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
EB: what I loved
SE: what I loved
UE: they didn’t help her
UN: they didn’t help what I loved
Ch: they were two adults with kids
CB: and still so irresponsible
UB: behaving like kids themselves
UA: immature
ToH: avoiding
EB: they were my parents
SE: they should have taken the responsibility
UE: my loss
UN: my loss
Ch: she enjoyed my loss
CB: she enjoyed that I lost the only
UB: thing that I loved
UA: and that loved me back
ToH: I lost her
Soh: Even though they didn’t easer her pain, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though they didn’t easer her pain, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though they didn’t easer her pain, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
EB: didn’t ease her pain
SE: didn’t ease her pain
UE: didn’t react
UN: they didn’t react
Ch: they were scared of the consequences
CB: of me
UB: they knew what they did
UA: they were scared of me
ToH: they knew what they did
EB: they were supposed to do something
SE: react
UE: but they didn’t
UN: they were my parents
Ch: they were supposed to protect me
CB: and protect what I loved
UB: but they didn’t
UA: she enjoyed my loss
ToH: that I lost love in my life
EB: she enjoyed it
SE: did she?
UE: or did she do what my grandma, her mum, does?
UN: she made it ridiculous
Ch: small
CB: unimportant
UB: she was ironic about it
UA: and childish
ToH: both of them were childish
EB: he didn’t help Poli
SE: he put a cap on and hid his face
UE: she cleaned the flat from all her toys
UN: and belongings
Ch: as if Poli never existed
CB: tried to make a small talk
UB: a joke here and there
UA: she stopped picking fights with me
ToH: they were scared of what they didThe SUD went down from 4 to 2.
My thoughts after that tapping session:
“First, I realised that my mum didn't enjoy my loss. She did what my grandma used to do. My grandma turned serious situations into something ridiculous, small, unimportant and she behaved childish. She’d get rid of things so they wouldn’t remind her of something. This is exactly what my mum did when Poli died. Since my mum was unstable, I didn’t really know what she felt. Maybe fear, maybe shame… But she was (and is) a broken child herself… And my dad, he was between a rock and a hard place, and he got paralysed – he always had to make a choice, between me and her, and whatever he chose to do, he was always criticised…”
During the previous two tappings, the focus was either on Poli and all the surrounding emotions, or on my parents and all the surrounding emotions. But this self-tapping I ran out of things to tap on, like anger or betrayal… I felt love for Poli and compassion for my parents…
I was still in the zone of, “they were grown-ups with two kids, they should have protected me and what I loved, they should. have known better”.
4th self-tapping
SoH: Even though they were scared to react, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though they were scared to react, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though they were scared of the consequences, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
EB: my love
SE: my best friend
UE: my happiness
UN: my love
Ch: my best friend
CB: my happiness
UB: I lost her
UA: I lost her
ToH: I lost her
EB: they let me down
SE: they let me down
UE: two broken adults
UN: scared of the consequences
Ch: she sufferedAt this moment, on the “she suffered” I reacted more. Suddenly, I felt that two different things came up. The parents’ issue and how Poli suffered…
I felt that the intensity regarding my parents moved to three, but the intensity for Poli suffering was 8. I continued.
CB: she suffered
UB: I lost her
UA: she suffered
ToH: I lost her
EB: I couldn’t do anything for you
SE: I didn’t know any better
UE: I maybe should have known better
UN: I didn’t know what was going on
Ch: I didn’t know you had an
accident
CB: they lied to me
UB: said you got scared
UA: I didn’t know
ToH: I am sorry
EB: I didn’t know you were dying
SE: I never saw anyone die before
UE: you were my love
UN: and I saw you being unwell
Ch: but they didn’t tell me the truth
CB: I couldn’t act as I would have if I knew
UB: if I only had known
UA: if I only had known
ToH: I wish I had knownI cried a lot during that tapping. I cried a river of tears. My heart was crying. It wasn’t just crying, it was regretting.
“Because of being lied by them, I was taken away the possibility to say a proper goodbye to her. To hug and love her, make her feel calm, and that it was OK to leave. Because that’s who I was! I was exactly that! I loved her and I cared about her, and I didn’t want her to feel anything negative when dying. But they took that away from me. They took away from me a choice, to part with her on my terms, not theirs. As we can see here, their terms were horrible, full of ignorance, avoidance, loneliness, and cold.”
I was tired, and I stopped there, to pick it up a few days later. The SUD for my parents was 1. The SUD for Poli was 4.
Now, I see it even more clearly, how I was the mature and responsible in that family. I was the parent over my parents… Emotionally, I was more mature than them. Physically, I looked like a skinny, fragile, unnourished, closed in her self, oversensitive young girl becoming a woman. Mentally, I was a 50-year-old, responsible mother of 2 “small” adults.
5th self-tapping
SoH: Even though, they were sacred, and they didn’t tell me, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though, I couldn’t do anything for you, I didn’t know any better, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though, I maybe should have known better, I didn’t know what was going on, I lost you, and you suffered, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
EB: they were scared
SE: of me
UE: of the consequences
UN: for what they did
Ch: they tried to make it look ridiculous
CB: probably never thought this would come out
UB: I’d have done autopsy
UA: they were scared
ToH: they knew what they did
SoH: Even though your legs were broken, your kidneys were smashed, and you bled out to death, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. X3
EB: your legs were broken
SE: your kidneys were shamed
UE: you bled out to death
UN: you came into my room
Ch: on your broken legs and hips
CB: you waited to say goodbye
UB: you waited for me
UA: to come back from university
ToH: to say goodbye, to see me for the last time
EB: I lost you
SE: I loved you
UE: and I lost you
UN: I wish I had known what really happened
Ch: I wish I could have said a proper goodbye
CB: I am so sorry for what happened
UB: I lost my love
UA: I lost you
ToH: I love you so muchI stopped crying.
The SUD for my parents went to 0. The SUD for Poli suffering went from 4 to 0. The SUD for losing her, loving her… I didn’t clear them to 0. I kept them on 4. Why, would you ask? I didn’t want to forget her. I wanted to keep it at this level. I wanted to keep the feeling of love towards her, and the memory of her. I didn’t want to wipe her out. My choice. I made my choice.
Writing this, I didn’t feel much about my parents. I felt on the other hand something, some loss in my heart, when writing about loving Poli. Joy came to me three times during writing, the last tapping session. She’d just approach me, I’d leave the chair to sit with her on the floor. To distract me? Maybe. She has been doing it whenever I’d get emotional, crying. She’d come to me, put her head on my shoulder, lick away all my tears, some stuff from my nose 🤣 and leave once I calmed down.
Do you know anyone who is struggling with similar issues, grew up in a home with a borderline parent and needs support? Maybe you are looking for it? Please, don't hesitate to tell them I am here.
If you relate to my stories somehow:
– the borderline parent - growing up in an environment of sudden outburst of anger, frustration, emotional instability, love you -- hate you emotions,
– feeling of lack of love in your childhood or adult life,
-- feeling of not belonging, emotional burn out (especially in romantic relationships),
– sexual assault, bulling, discrimination…
– helplessness, powerlessness towards people and situations,
– disappointment and mistrust towards people, love, doubt you’ll ever find love,
(see My areas of expertise).
and you would like to:
– work with a therapist who has healed and has been healing her own trauma,
-- who has compassion and capacity to listen (The kind of therapist I am to be)
in order to
– have a better live,
-- reduce and maybe even neutralise impact of your negative experience from your childhood on your present and future life,
– learn to deal with the triggers on your own (who wants to go to a life-long therapy?),
– be happier, lighter and…
– accept yourself as you are,
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